Oh HELLO heavy heart.

m-o-r-te:

i can’t even talk to you now, it kills be to see you hurting like this.

ahh I have not been on in so long, and now I remember why. This site is so triggering. I still love it though. I’ve been doing surprisingly well lately. Tonight I’m just on because I’m feeling pathetic and lonely. I have no friends again, which isn’t really news, but they all just left for uni, so I’m kinda fucked…again. I need to stop bothering the few people I have left because…well, its not nice to bother people for your own personal gain and sad sorry puddle of feelings.

I was trying to find scars on my arm and I couldn’t because I was the worst cutter ever and really pathetic. and just omg I’m so disgusting. 

I seriously can’t think of anything worse than watching my weight creep back up, and having no reason why, and no way to stop it. This is literally so painful. I was just becoming happy with myself, but now I’m back in the 130’s. I was almost to my goal. WHY WHY WHY?

I stopped counting calories obsessively and omg it feels so good. I keep an estimate in my head, and I try to stay aware, but its such a relief to not have to tally up all the time. also I lost again and I’m so happy.

The medication or *insert reason here* has been working. Most of the time I’m not depressed. I cut recently out of habit, but I’m not addicted. I am, for the first time, enjoying life. Its really scary and uncomfortable. Now I’m that awful person that is here to say it can get better yadayada. I’m even learning to like  tolerate some parts of my body. I really need to work out and lose 10lbs. But I’m feeling hopeful, I guess. Its really really weird. 

Anyway, you might have noticed I’m on less, and that is the result of a combination of things. I’ll try to update as often as possible. Love you all, stay strong! 

I can’t decide if I should cut or not. I mean, when I cut now it doesn’t even count because its so ridiculously shallow. I feel like it doesn’t count..does it? It use to be enough to see a little blood, but I want it deep. But I’m not in enough pain for that. I don’t even know why I want to..I just do. I wish I had a little fairy to tell me what I should do. 

Actually I wish I had a friend I could go to and say “I want to cut” and they would have a response that would actually help… Instead I have a blog that no one looks at. So, internet, what should I do? 

 I feel pathetic for being on medication.

feeling so fucking pathetic and depressed and irritable and disgusting. The fucking scale is apparently broken. It keeps taunting me with numbers that I’ll never be. With numbers I’ve only dreamed about. And I keep stepping on and off and it stays on a really low one, and then will jump up really really really high back to my actual weight. Its actually the most heart breaking thing ever and so I took a lot of sleeping pills.

So once again, I’m going to be that person that I use to hate telling you that it can get better. Its hard to explain how it happened, and I won’t even try to start from the beginning right now, but I do know that the anti-depressants are working. It is SO amazing to feel *normal*. I still have dark thoughts, but they are completely manageable. It feels so surreal to actually have energy, to have a genuine smile on my face, to want to see my friends, to look at my body and appreciate the good parts, and think positively about the bad. I wake up in the morning and am happy and excited about the day, not crying because I didn’t die in my sleep. It feels like another person is talking right now because I literally cannot remember a time before this when I was not suicidal or seriously depressed. I use to have horrible nightmares every night, I wasn’t able to go a day without cutting, I cried every day. I was a miserable wreck who could not function in any way.  I want you to know that I would see posts like these and cry because I thought I would never get to a point where I was happy. I didn’t even know it was possible. When you read this, know that there is hope. It might take a really long time for you to be ok with yourself, or learn how to manage not being ok with yourself, but being happy actually is a thing. It feels good, and you deserve it. Please talk to me or someone about what you are going through. Make the choice to start making changes that will get you to a better place. I love you all!

(Source: lightandlithe)

I feel shitty, stupid, and insignificant tonight. I just…I don’t even know. I’m feeling really down. 

Binging: the only thing I’m good at